Thursday, July 27, 2006

The Husband Diet

Over the last year, my wife has gained over ten pounds. Where once she was the perfect weight and very beautiful, she has become chunky and slothful. I don't find it very attractive at all. Luckily, my wife, while, like any woman, perfectly capable of letting herself go, is a good dutiful woman. Which is why she has not uttered a word of complaint since I began rationing her food. I'm sure most of you will complain and call me disgusting and other such names. But the Bible teaches that a woman's duty is to her man. She must do all she can to remain attractive in his eyes. A man who neglects the power he has over his wife doesn't deserve such power and isn't really a man at all. While some of you might disagree, thinking that a man's relationship with his wife is no business of mine, you are wrong, for when a man lets his wife go she becomes lazy and corruptible; and in the end, she will tempt other women into a similar life of sloth. That is the world's problem. This is why all men need to ration the food intake of their wives or, in the alternative or perhaps in addition, demand a daily exercise routine. I realize, of course, that there are "different strokes for different folks," that one man's fat woman is another's beauty. So men should ration according to his desire.

Breasts Are For Breastfeeding, Women Are For Their Husbands

This picture got me thinking about a few things. For one, women's' breasts are for breast feeding, not for ogling, not for touching, not to serve as the object of a man's (or woman's) desires. Women who do not breast feed are starving their babies of the pure sustenance needed for them to grow up to be good, God-fearing children. Certainly women who deprive their babies of breast have been tempted by the Devil. But the picture also got me thinking about how breast feeding in public is evil. It is disgusting and no better than pornography, inspiring sinful thoughts in the perverts of the world. No, women's breasts should be covered at all times, especially in public. Even a woman's husband should be deprived of the sight of his wife's breast, lest his desire to touch her arises from the pleasure centers of his brain being activated and the couple have sex without desiring children. Of course, if the man does not find his wife attractive, yet still desires a child but cannot get aroused, a woman may use her breasts to get her husband in the mood. I was also reminded, seeing the picture, that most women of today are superficial whores. They love to expose their skin and whore-ify themselves with makeup to attract men; and when they see one another they get jealous and envious. That is why it is imperative we design some type of uniform for women to wear when they go out in public. It should be much like a burka, something that makes the woman look pure and wholesome, something white and virginal. No skin should be exposed and curves should be hidden. And since all women will look alike, there will be reason for them to envy or hate one another. The world will be a more peaceful, wholesome place. Without temptation being flaunted about, we will be able to focus our energy giving glory to God and doing right by Him.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The World Did Not Begin with Adam And Steve -- Somebody in Congress Finally States the Obvious

Our leaders are not incorruptible Christians, nor are our people, so I'm generally pretty pessimistic when it comes to democracy. For knowing society's weakness, the Devil manipulates our politicians and institutions to offend the glory of God, ensuring homosexuality, witchcraft -- pure Satanism, even -- can thrive and grow. But reading the transcript of thisdebate on the Gay Marriage Is Evil Amendment, suddenly my pessimism is little more hopeful. Some politicians, it seems, do recognize the duty we owe to the Lord and the righteousness of the Bible.

"It's part of God's plan for the future of mankind," explained Rep. John Carter (R-Tex.).

Rep. Bob Beauprez (R- Colo.) also found "the very hand of God" at work. "We best not be messing with His plan."

Rep. Mike Pence (R-Ind.) agreed that "it wasn't our idea, it was God's."

"I think God has spoken very clearly on this issue," said Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-Ga.), a mustachioed gynecologist who served as one of the floor leaders yesterday. When somebody quarreled with this notion, Gingrey replied: "I refer the gentleman to the Holy Scriptures."

Unfortunately, the amendment was defeated in both the Senate and the House, so there is much work to be done. However, it is undeniable that the last decade has brought a groundswell of Christian support and grassroots organization clamoring to bring this country back into the arms of God. With prayer and love for Jesus, it is only a matter of time before the sinners of America are condemned and rounded up to be introduced into the way of holy-ness. I ask now that you pray with me...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Fall and Rise of Peter -- Another Story About the End Times (Part III)

Part III

The next few months in Peter’s life were both horrific and spectacular. As he, with the rest of the world, watched the Earth turn on itself, chaos reining through the streets – rape, murder, and theft prevalent, nobody safe, everybody afraid – and great natural disasters killing millions of people, Peter also discovered that he was a natural leader of men. And he liked it. He liked leading raids on the criminals and sinners. It gave him pleasure to watch the Godless squirm with fear at the mere sight of the Strike Force’s approach, at the inevitable wrath of God coming to bring justice and goodness to this small part of the world. The sins of his past still hung over him like the blade of a guillotine, but rather than live his life in shame, he was driven by resolve to do right by the Lord God.

One night Peter and the Strike Force happened upon an innocent women being raped by two hooligans. Sneaking up behind the attackers, Peter drew his knife and sliced the knee tendons of one, while the Strike Force captured the other, binding the man’s legs and arms with duct tape. As the injured sinner lay writhing on the ground, clutching his leg and moaning, Peter turned to the other. “Repent! Accept the Lord Jesus Christ into your heart, and be forgiven of your crimes.” But the man just laughed. Peter, though, didn’t mind for he knew with a few minutes of pain he could make the man see the light. Pain had a way of opening peoples’ minds to the message of the Lord. It was as though the suffering drained all the evil out of sinners and made their minds a souls a blank, innocent slate, like a newborn’s. So he ripped open the man’s shirt and began carving a cross into his chest. Of the over fifty men he’d performed this procedure on before, only one refused to accept Jesus. The rest now wore their scar proudly, a permanent reminder of the power of God.

The man, though, didn’t even scream. He only continued his laughter. Finally he allowed, “You can’t hurt me. I am one with the true ruler of the Universe, Dimitriadas, also known as the Antichrist, also known as Satan! And I’ve tasted your wife, Peter. Jez begged me to never stop.” With that he smiled.

Peter’s calm vanished. “Liar!” he screamed. He then pulled a pair of pliers from his belt. Ripping teeth from the man’s mouth, he pushed two of them into the man’s eye sockets. And the man still did not scream, but only began talking in what sounded like gibberish but what the Strike Force knew was a prayer to Satan. Never had they battled such pure evil.

And Peter’s mind seemed to be collapsing from the weight of it all. “No, not Jez,” he mumbled. “Not Jez. Please God, do not let it be true. My whole heart is yours, my whole heart is yours, my whole heart is yours,” and he collapsed into a pile on the ground and just rocked and rocked himself.

One of his men finally tried to comfort Peter. “The man is a liar, Peter. A liar. Jez would never do such a thing.” But something deep within Peter knew it was true. Women could not be trusted. It was their nature to betray man, to betray God. Just as Eve tempted Adam to disobey the command of God, Jez had led Peter astray and broken his heart. Nothing could fix it, nothing. Peter could feel Jesus calling to him, “I love you Peter, I love you. Do not worry; you are one of my children. Heaven awaits. Heaven,” but not even the soothing words of the Lord made him feel better. All he could think about were the things he could have done to prevent Jez from becoming such a whore. If only he forbade her reading, her watching television. When she argued, he should have silenced her. If only, if only…

Suddenly, the man whose knee tendons Peter had severed stood up, apparently healed of his affliction. The Strike Force noticed that there was a mark, a cross on the man’s forehead that had not been there before. He walked over to Peter and, kneeling down, touched him on the shoulder. “Peter,” he said, “you made me see the light. You. You are truly a child of God, Peter. Do not despair. Yours is a blessed life, meant to be spent in the arms of the Lord, basking in His glory. The pain you feel is only temporary, only a worldly pain. In Heaven you will be in an eternity of rapture. Jez will not even have existed.”

And Peter started to come back to himself. His convert had away about him. Just his touch made Peter feel better, and the man’s words were like God Himself standing before the distraught Peter, consoling him. And Peter rose to his feet. “It’s time to roll out,” he commanded his men…
Peter stormed into the house he shared with Jez. She was in the kitchen, hovering over the microwave trying to make dinner. Hearing the door slam behind him, Jez turned and smiled, unaware that he knew of her crimes. And Peter strode up to her clinching his fists; and seeing his face, Jez knew something was wrong, she even knew that it was her secret, her passion for a man she only knew as Perez, that seemed to have Peter possessed by the Devil. What she did not expect was the kick Peter delivered to her face, for he had always been such a gentle man. In fact, it was what she loved most about their marriage, that he was so loving and soft, for it allowed her to manipulate him and have her way.

Peter picked Jez up off the floor by the throat and slammed her on top of the stove. His eyes were wild and crazy, like a dog’s with rabies, and he stared at her with the look of a killer. Jez couldn’t breathe and she struggled and struggled, only finally able to bring some sense of calm to herself by remembering her few passionate rendezvous with Perez and the way he touched her. It was rough – not as rough as the way Peter now strangled her – but rough nonetheless… and dirty and sinful; and she loved every minute, every second of it; and she could barely contain her incredible need to moan and scream with pleasure at a mere caress from Perez’s hands.

Even in his possessed state, Peter’s love for Jez could be reached by her touch. And Jez, in a sudden fit of corrupt genius recognized this, reaching out and slipping her hands down his pants. She stroked him until he let go of her neck; and bringing her face up to his, she whispered, “Peter, I’m pregnant” and kissed him violently, hoping it would pass for passion. And it did, and Peter kissed her back, not forgiving her, not even really recognizing her, as his mind, already fragile from a broken heart, succumbed to pure desire, to pure evil that only women know to manipulate.

But Jez, despite her deep connection to the ways of Satan, did not contemplate the love Jesus had for Peter. Peter continued to kiss her, to touch and grope her, but all the while Jesus was whispering in his ear. “Don’t do this, Peter. Don’t. She will lead you down a path from which you can never come back.” And finally the message began to get though, until, finally, Peter quickly turned on one of the stove burners and put Jez’s hand on it. He held it there as she screamed, gathering his thoughts. After a few seconds, he said only “The Elders will know what to do with you” and dragged her out the door by her hair.
A month passed, and it was time for Jez’s punishment to be carried out. The Elders, after several emotional hours questioning Peter, finding out what he wanted and what would be best for both the town and him, decided the townspeople would shoot Jez with rubber bullets and send her off to the shantytown that had recently been built to house the sinners. Once the baby was born, it was to be taken from her and given to Peter to bring up in Christ, away from the scheming and manipulative Jez.

So Jez was led out to the town square in chains and tied to a poll; and seeing her sad figure, people began to boo and hiss, slowly forming a circle around the poll. As Peter walked through the crowd toward his wife, some began to pat him on the back, deeply sorry for the shame and sin that had visited his life. Everyone loved Peter, and nobody really blamed him; but most by now had heard his story about the sinful origins of the relationship, about how it was because of Jez that Peter was denied the Rapture, that he embraced desire and pleasure over love of God and the truth of the Bible; and knowing this, all knew his love for Jez was cursed.

Peter was the first to shoot Jez. Stoically, he raised the gun and pulled the trigger. The bullet smashed into her nose, crushing it, and Jez twisted on the poll, moaning. And the rest of the townspeople followed Peter’s lead, reigning down rubber bullets upon the woman until the moaning stopped. Peter stood and watched it all, still showing no emotion; and when he turned and again walked through the crowd, intending to go back home, the crowd slowly followed.
When Jez awoke, she found herself in a shack – her new home. The walls had no paint, no wallpaper, and the floor was dirt. Only a single light bulb hung from the ceiling. In one corner there was a stove and in another a dresser. It was the saddest site she had ever seen, and it was now her life; but she was not repentant or regretful; she did not curse herself or wish she could go back in time and make things right, truly embracing the light of Jesus Christ and accepting her life with Peter and his dominion over her. No; instead she let herself be taken by rage and desire – desire for revenge; and she stood up out of bed and began pounding on her stomach, intent on forcing the fetus insider of her out so it could suffocate without the nourishment from her womb. That would teach Peter.

And after a few minutes, the contractions began, and Jez could feel her body rejecting her premature baby. She began to bleed and feel faint; she felt a stabbing pain; she needed to lie down. And she did. And she lay there, pushing and pushing, pushing the baby out of her. At only two or three months it would surely be born dead, and she would be happy to be rid of it. God was not worthy of any duty. She would not have children that would grow up to worship Him. All children should be suffocated, she thought to herself.

As soon as the baby was delivered and she felt strong enough to move, Jez sat up and stared at the tiny bloody baby laying in her bed. It was covered in blood and placenta and did not move. She gathered up her child and began rocking it, suddenly hoping that she might feel something, some love for the fetus, for her baby; but she felt nothing, not even a twinge of sadness or regret. No, after a few seconds, she only wanted it out of her site, to forget about it, to forget that she was ever pregnant or married or was ever loved by a man, by anyone at all. So she took her child outside and tossed it in the garbage.

When the door closed behind Jez, the baby’s eyes opened. It yawned and stretched itself. The placenta and blood hanging off its tiny figure made it uncomfortable, as though it were being suffocated, and it began tearing at it with its miniature fingers. After a few moments, it turned itself over onto its stomach and tried crawling. At first it was tough going, but within a minute or two it got the hang of it and began crawling around in small circles, trying to take in the surrounding scenery. Finally noticing the entrance to a sewer, the baby began crawling towards it, not even recognizing where it might lead to, but somehow drawn to it.

On its way, the fetus was suddenly overcome by both an immense sadness and a profound sense of good, all at the same time. It was as though the weight of the world, all the sin and filth and suffering, were put on its shoulders while the strength and glory of God propped it up like Atlas and the Earth. And reaching the mouth of the sewer, the fetus continued crawling until the force of gravity pulled it down to the depths.

Laying on the ground, the baby was greeted by the sniffing of a rat. Suddenly, the tiny little eyes of another fetus were peering down at him. Then another. And another. And another, until the fetus was surrounded by other fetuses. And then one of the aborted spoke. “Welcome. We are the Tribulation Saints, and you are our leader.”

Rock Music is Evil - Part II

The purpose of this post is to remind all of you that Rock music is still evil and it must be banned. DO NOT let the above picture fool you into thinking otherwise!!! DO NOT let the above picture fool you into thinking that just because the elder Bush and his campaign manager (and later Republican National Committee Chairman), Lee Atwater, were indulging in the evils of rock music that it is now OK for you to do so! It is never ever OK! One of the things that most disturbs me about our elected officials is that some of them listen to and enjoy rock music - Even those whose beliefs and system of morals we may agree with. Just look at the above picture. It is a picture of a Republican president on a stage with a rock and roll band, playing a guitar with his campaign manager, Lee Atwater. I fail to understand how great men, like George Bush and Lee Atwater could possibly become embroiled in such horrible corruption, when they should have been out saving unborn babies, preaching the bible, spanking children, and punishing sinners! But NO! Instead they were indulging in the obscenities of Rock and Roll! That is the reason I posted this picture - to illustrate that everyone is susceptible to the Satanic influences of Rock and Roll. Even Republican Presidents!!! Our current government as it exists today is unable and unwilling to take the steps necessary to end the vile spread of rock music and pop culture. The liberal activist judges will continue on their evil tyrannical rampage to prevent the enactment of laws that ban rock music. That is why we need special Christian communities that are insulated from the rest of the world where rock music is absolutely forbidden! And anyone caught listening to rock music would receive a public caning! Anyone caught playing rock music would receive a public caning followed by a public shaming!! And that, my fellow Christian soldiers, is the only way we can stop the scourge of the obscenity that is Rock and Roll!

By the way, for any elected officials who happen to be reading this: I would point out that the elder Bush lost his bid for reelection in 1992, only to be defeated by Bill Clinton, who was sent to us clearly as a punishment from God for tolerating leaders who listen to rock music. As for Lee Atwater, he was stricken with Brain Cancer in 1990, from which he died in 1991. I believe that my point has been made.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Judging Judges -- They're Guilty

This is a perfect example of an activist judge at work, punishing Christians for merely expressing their gratitude to our Lord Jesus Christ. Using this case as an example, one can see what America would be like if activist judges are allowed to go unchecked by the good Christians of the world. Just imagine a world where prayer is not allowed, our women are forced to have abortions, our daughters turned into whores, sons into something out of Children of the Corn, and we are all forced to watch pornography over dinner. Churches would be burned to the ground if the Devil had his way and installed activist judges in every state. That is why it is of the utmost importance that we keep a watchful eye over the decisions of courts. Certainly, any decision that is unholy and unChristian should be ignored and the judges tar-ed and feather-ed. After that they should be imprisoned for an eternity, left to rot in jail. But not just rot, but to starve to death. They shall be given a fork and knife with which they can cut their own flesh off the bone and eat it. But that's it.

I would also like to point out that the good man in the article was being tried for child abuse. For hitting his son with a broomstick. That is clearly not child abuse unless he hit the boy upon the head or neck or tried to break bones. It's the exact same as being whipped with a hickory switch, which all children should be smacked with at least once or twice in their lives. I was hit with one, my son has been hit with one. The liberal obsession with eradicating spanking is yet another example of the Devil trying to corrupt our children and turn them into disobedient Satanists who do nothing but listen to rock and roll music, smoke cigarettes and curse. It sickens me. In fact, after reading said article I immediately went to my son's room to check on him. He did not show me the proper respect, using words like "Yeah" and "dude," so I sent him to the whipping room for an hour just to let my rage subside.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Are You Good Or Evil -- Try Mushrooms and Find Out

I just read this latest study about psychedelic mushrooms and it brought back a flood of memories -- a flashback, if you will -- about my own experience with the drugs. Once, when I was a child on at Bible camp, some friends and I were hiking in the woods of Oregon and came across a field of mushrooms. Being children and being hungry we ate some of the mushrooms. After about an hour, my entire universe changed. Colors were vibrant and beautiful and seemed to crawl out of nearly every blade of grass, every leaf, every person and thing I saw around me. And I felt incredibly loved, as though God had called me up to heaven to give a great, heavenly hug. Many of my friends felt the same way, although a few didn't. A few felt terrible, as though ants were crawling all over their skin and they were on fire. They heard demonic voices and began crying. These children were the thieves in liars in our group. In fact, many of them, years later, found themselves in prison. A couple of them became homosexuals. All of them stopped going to Church. Obviously, the mushrooms work such that good, God fearing people have profound spiritual experiences, while those with no hope of ever doing good with their lives and embracing Jesus will be possessed with the forces of the Devil. This fact has great potential to be used in the name of Christ. While I would never advocate recreational use of mushrooms, since all drugs used in such a way are evil, there is at least one use that could be of great benefit for society: a litmus test for good. Just as we test children for stupidity and allergies, we could begin testing them for goodness. At least once during their elementary schooling, children should be given mushrooms and their experiences measured. Those that react badly are obviously evil and should be sent to reform school where they will read the Bible every day. Only this way is there any hope of bringing them into the arms of Christ. And we should not hesitate to punish the children with spankings and whippings. By segregating the good from evil at such an early age, we will finally know which children can learn about math and science without turning it into a force for evil. Our schools will then be able to compete with those in China and India, where everyone knows the children excel at such subjects. Ideally, a child's goodness would be measured every few years to catch traitors to Christ that have been belatedly brought to the dark side.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Exercise Your Lungs By Smoking

Everybody needs to exercise once in awhile -- it does a body good. And that's exactly why smoking does not cause cancer. The devil would have you think that tobacco is cancerous. Just today they announced that cigarettes will be responsible for over 1 billion deaths in the 21st century. But that is hogwash, for tobacco, given to us by the all-providing and caring God, must be smoked; it is our duty. After all it was put here to help exercise our lungs and help us deal with the inevitable pollution that results from an expanding population. It will also protect against the poisons that will be brought down upon all good Christians by the antichrist during the endtimes. Knowing this, the Devil has used his minions controlling the liberal media and medical establishment to launch a campaign of disinformation. We should be promoting smoking of all forms (well almost all -- we should not smoke marijuana or crack or pcp or crystal meth). If cocaine is more potent smoked as crack, then certainly spinach and broccoli would be better served smoked. In fact, smoking could be the cure for obesity. Already it is a proven fact that people lose weight when they smoke and gain it back when they quit. This being the case, rather than eat massive amounts, people should be smoking their food, their chicken, steak, hamburgers and fries, polishing it off, perhaps, with a small dessert. Just imagine a world without sickness, disease, and fat people. The world would be so happy, most of them -- all of those but the most evil -- will turn to Christ in their joy. That is why we must work to overcome the mountains of scientific "evidence" against smoking that has overwhelmed even the most dedicated of Christians. Otherwise, the Devil will be even more effective in crushing the Christian resistance during Armageddon. This, in a great and tragic irony, will certainly result in at least as many deaths as supposedly caused by cigarette smoking.

A Shame Has Been Cast Upon the Great State of Virginia

This was recently brought to my attention, and it is a shame on the great state of Virginia. It is proof that, despite the state’s heroic stance against gay marriage, certain ideas promoted by the Devil, i.e. that witchcraft does not exist, have fully infiltrated its psyche. The fact that the witch, now pardoned, floated upon being cast into the river is proof of her guilt. I know that most of you, all equally tempted by the whispers of Satan, doubt the wisdom of suchancientt ways of proving evil. But be sure that just because the methods be old does not mean they are not effective. Surely you that have such doubts believe that the herbs and weird philosophies of ancient China and India can heal or harm the body, so why not have faith in the Christian ways of yesteryear? I'm particularly saddened by the fact that Virginia, myhome-statee, has embraced suchhypocrisyy. It should not be spending time clearing the bad names of witches (especially this particular witch, who was no better than an abortion doctor with her black magic that caused women to miscarry) and other Satanists; -no! It should be rededicating itself to casting such evil out, condemning all those that deny the Bible is right and true. Each should have their fingers tied to their toes and tossed into a river to see if they float. A special prison could then be created not unlike the debtor prisons of long ago, except instead of debt to creditors, the debt will be to God.

I know many of you may have been wondering where I have been the last couple of weeks, as I have neglected my duties to this site. I am saddened to report to those of you that care that I was recently plagued by sinful thoughts and have spent many hours purging them from my head. Not that it is any of your business, but as part of the healing process I must share with you these aforementioned thoughts: rather than think of my wife as a wonderful partner to have children with, I recently thought of her in a sexual way and made advances with no intention of the result being a son or daughter. So there it is...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

We request the services of an architect:

This is Dr. JD Parnell. We request the services of a good upstanding architect of the highest virtue, an unyielding commitment to righteousness, and who has good Christian morals and a commitment to family and prayer. We need this architect to design for us the perfect Christian community that will serve as a model for the righteous transformation of all towns and cities accross our land.

What we will need, initially, are some renderings:

1. We need a rendering of the church, which is of course the most important part of the cummunity. The church should be large, like a megachurch, with a large stage, and large television screens with loud speakers, so that those who committed sins that week can be appropraitely exposed to the congregation. We also need church wardens who will patrol the pews so that the church attendees can be monitored during the prayer recitations and the singing of the hymns.

2. We need a rendering of the houses for the Good Community Christians, as all good and wholesome and righteous upstanding Christian citizen families will be known. Such families will strictly adhere to a moral code consisting of only the strictest old-time morals and traditional family values. These homes should be nice, wholsesome, traditional looking houses, complete with white picket fences, modestly sized (1600sf - 2100sf), and of very traditional small-town wholesome architectural design (like 1800s type design). VERY IMPORTANT!!! - The master bedroom must be designed (with room dividers or something) such that it will be impossible to have a single large bed, and instead must accomodate ONLY separate twin beds for the husband and wife. Furthermore there must be video surveillance cameras and a loud speakers installed in the master bedroom, so that church elders can appropriately monitor the activites going on in the master bedroom, and when sinful things start to occur, the church elder will harshly repremand the couple over the loudspeaker. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL!!! All Good Community Christian homes must have dedicated whipping rooms for punishment of disobediant and/or misbehaving children.

3. For all the immoral ones, we need a separate shantytown that will be separate from the Good Community Christian homes. These will be small decrepit shacks that will be built on sticks, and there will also be video surveillance cameras and loudspeakers, where the people are constantly yelled at by church elders 24-7, so that the sinful ones will be tormented, and they will have no rest, day or night.

4. We need a community public square, with an arena, for dispensing corporal punishments and public shamings, where the entire community will be able to sit as an audience in an arena-like setting and throw things at the people being punished. The punishment stage at the center of the arena should have things like a pillory, a whipping pole, a horse-drawn flogging cart which will circle around the stage while the convicted is tied to the cart and flogged, and a special platform for those sentenced to the penalty of public shaming (more on that later). Oh yes, the arena must have special thrones for the church elders, from which they will pass judgements on the convicted, and oversee the appropriate carrying out of the public shamings.

5. A Christian schoolhouse for educating the children in accordance with only the strictest interpretations of the bible - I haven't thought out this one yet, so there will be more on it later.

I realize that there may be a very high demand for the honor of performing this good work. However, I must insist that only the righteous need apply! We will be carefully screening the backgrounds of all applicants to determine qualifications and their commitment to church and family. Those that make it to the final round in the selection process will undergo full field background investigations, including a polygraph examination with electric shock and caning!