Thursday, July 06, 2006

We request the services of an architect:


This is Dr. JD Parnell. We request the services of a good upstanding architect of the highest virtue, an unyielding commitment to righteousness, and who has good Christian morals and a commitment to family and prayer. We need this architect to design for us the perfect Christian community that will serve as a model for the righteous transformation of all towns and cities accross our land.

What we will need, initially, are some renderings:

1. We need a rendering of the church, which is of course the most important part of the cummunity. The church should be large, like a megachurch, with a large stage, and large television screens with loud speakers, so that those who committed sins that week can be appropraitely exposed to the congregation. We also need church wardens who will patrol the pews so that the church attendees can be monitored during the prayer recitations and the singing of the hymns.

2. We need a rendering of the houses for the Good Community Christians, as all good and wholesome and righteous upstanding Christian citizen families will be known. Such families will strictly adhere to a moral code consisting of only the strictest old-time morals and traditional family values. These homes should be nice, wholsesome, traditional looking houses, complete with white picket fences, modestly sized (1600sf - 2100sf), and of very traditional small-town wholesome architectural design (like 1800s type design). VERY IMPORTANT!!! - The master bedroom must be designed (with room dividers or something) such that it will be impossible to have a single large bed, and instead must accomodate ONLY separate twin beds for the husband and wife. Furthermore there must be video surveillance cameras and a loud speakers installed in the master bedroom, so that church elders can appropriately monitor the activites going on in the master bedroom, and when sinful things start to occur, the church elder will harshly repremand the couple over the loudspeaker. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL!!! All Good Community Christian homes must have dedicated whipping rooms for punishment of disobediant and/or misbehaving children.

3. For all the immoral ones, we need a separate shantytown that will be separate from the Good Community Christian homes. These will be small decrepit shacks that will be built on sticks, and there will also be video surveillance cameras and loudspeakers, where the people are constantly yelled at by church elders 24-7, so that the sinful ones will be tormented, and they will have no rest, day or night.

4. We need a community public square, with an arena, for dispensing corporal punishments and public shamings, where the entire community will be able to sit as an audience in an arena-like setting and throw things at the people being punished. The punishment stage at the center of the arena should have things like a pillory, a whipping pole, a horse-drawn flogging cart which will circle around the stage while the convicted is tied to the cart and flogged, and a special platform for those sentenced to the penalty of public shaming (more on that later). Oh yes, the arena must have special thrones for the church elders, from which they will pass judgements on the convicted, and oversee the appropriate carrying out of the public shamings.

5. A Christian schoolhouse for educating the children in accordance with only the strictest interpretations of the bible - I haven't thought out this one yet, so there will be more on it later.

I realize that there may be a very high demand for the honor of performing this good work. However, I must insist that only the righteous need apply! We will be carefully screening the backgrounds of all applicants to determine qualifications and their commitment to church and family. Those that make it to the final round in the selection process will undergo full field background investigations, including a polygraph examination with electric shock and caning!

19 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...just wow. I don't even know where to begin telling you how this will never work.

2:47 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

"I realize that there may be a very high demand for the honor of performing this good work."

Eh...don't bet on it.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Matthew said...

And how do you plan to get funding for this? (Besides leaving out the caning and punishment from your description of the activities that will be going on in this church)

5:17 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

They would probably expect their parishoners to pay for the privelege of being abused. Either that, or they'ed take it away from the sinners they force to live in the shantytowns.

Either way, they'ed be stealing.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Just out of curiosity, did either of you two ever approach Congress or any other government branch with some of these ideas? If so, what was the response?

9:12 PM  
Blogger Wrin said...

I've pretty much given up on taking them seriously. This Parnell person is clearly under-educated and "Nathaniel" is only a bit more reasonable sounding. Seeing as how I don't think both of them exist, I'm reading mostly for amusement now.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Lol, I've often wondered myself if they are the same person.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Dr. JD Parnell said...

Well, I sure am delighted that all of you are so enthused about this project. I will take your responses as am mandate to Go Forth!! As for funds, I plan to to finance this project personally. The salary to be paid will consist of the full sum of three squares a day at the local cracker barrel, 3 acres, and a mule!

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LAWLZ! Go ahead, try to find an architect that follows your beliefs. It will be hilarious! He'll make the entire thing out of toothpicks and glue because everyone knows that Zealotous Christians don't read books, they burn them! They don't even read and understand their own books!

That's right! I doubt that you can even read this! What you posted was the equivalent of a monkey jerking off on a keyboard!

12:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh and BTW! You're face is the kind of thing that even sewer rats would flee from! Nice mustache. Bet it tickles your boyfried Nathaniel's sphincter.

12:38 AM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Um...does Parnell have a picture up?

Oddly enough, I've made SIMS of both him and Nathaniel, and my Parnell Sim does have a moustache. I've had hours of fun with that plot!

7:32 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

matthew and ledhead -- i won the lottery awhile back and am more than willing to donate a huge chunk to this endeavor. we will, however, also be taking donations. as we christians take over america, it probably would also be a good idea to take the money of sinners to help pay for our town. we could even put them in camps to make products that help fund it.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

led-head -- people that play games are lonely and lack Christ. especially people who play sims.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

wrin -- that is your mistake. i swear on my mother's grave that both the good doctor and i are highly educated and we both exist.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Nathaniel: Playing the lottery is a form of gambling; a practice which, I believe, goes against the Bible.

Taking money that doesn't belong to you is stealing, which I know is breaking one of the Ten Commandments.

I also know that Jesus got mighty pissed off over similar practices going on in his "father's house." Do you honestly believe he'd want you to build a house of prayer with such ill-gotten gains? I don't think so!

11:15 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

P.S. I'm never lonely. I've got my family, a wonderful husband, my pets, and wonderful friends.

And when I can't find anything better to do, I have you and Parnell to argue with. And what's really nice is: I always win!

11:18 PM  
Anonymous Marionette said...

Where are planning on putting this? If I remember correctly, you both live very far apart.

Nathaniel- congrats on winning the lottery. It shows your good morale is finally paying off.

6:42 PM  
Blogger Dr. JD Parnell said...

This is Dr. JD Parnell, I realize that many of you need to live in a special town such as this. Therefore, I encourage you to donate money to this cause, and that way you (wrin, led head, anonymous) will be invited to join our town, and you will have the special privilege of living under our authority. And then that way I can try to mold you in my image, so that you can become just as intolerant of sin as we are, and then one day you may be appointed to the office of Church Elder! If you refuse this generous offer, I will take it as a sign that you are truly without hope!

8:48 AM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Are you sure you and Nathaniel aren't related to Vernon Howell, aka David Koresh?

10:10 PM  

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