Thursday, June 01, 2006

The Fall and Rise of Peter -- Another Story About the End Times (Part II)

In the days following the Rapture, Peter and Jez spent all their time together. But they did not touch. Never again would they touch, at least not until marriage. That is the way God wants it, they both knew, and not without good reason. For that is how women can control men and lead them to eternal damnation. Already the source of nearly all man’s impure thoughts (unless, of course, the man is homosexual and condemned to eternal hellfire without the help of a woman), all it takes is a single kiss, a single moment of hand holding, even, to enrapture him and trap him with the power of Satan.

But they wanted to touch, they wanted to hold hands, to kiss; and Peter wanted to once again feel Jez’s warmth, her softness, her wetness. But not until they were ready for marriage and children. And they were ready, he knew. How else could you explain his aching need to feel and be felt by her? What Peter did not realize, of course, is that such thoughts could easily be implanted by the Devil, that perhaps his passion was nothing more than lust, lust implanted inside him the very first time he touched her.
In the days following the Rapture, the people left behind began to organize. But with organization came disorganization, as those that realized their disastrous mistake and became true Christians were confronted by another group equally sure that aliens had been responsible for the sudden disappearance of the world’s true Christians. And the alien-loving secularists did not want to hear about Jesus and redemption, nor did they wish to hear about the seven Trumpet Judgments of the tribulation period or the seven Bowl Judgments of God’s fury during the Great Tribulation period. In fact, their minds were so corrupted by the Devil, good Christians were beaten for trying to spread the word of God. At the same time, reports that the United Nations was being handed all the levers of power in the United States made some restless and disturbed, while others – especially the liberals, the homosexuals and witches – happy, as though all the world’s problems could be solved by a One World Government.

And as the days passed, the alien-loving secularists became more and more abusive towards the Christians. The so-called protections of the Constitution applied even less during the turbulent times following the Rapture, and police officers and judges would simply laugh at complaints (and it would get worse, of course). To make matters worse, some people even celebrated the Rapture by fornicating in the street and exposing themselves to children, while homosexuals would walk the streets free to hold hands and kiss. Some even had the nerve to approach children with candy.

Luckily, though, Peter and Jez lived in a town where most people embraced Jesus in the immediate aftermath of the Rapture. They too suffered abuse at the hands of the secularists, but within the first few weeks decided to take action. And Peter listened as some of the newly elected church elders spoke, explaining the duties of all true Christians during the end times. Yes, Christians must attempt to bring as many people as they can to Christ before the Glorious Appearing. But some people’s attachment to the Devil was so strong Christ was an enemy in their eyes . For them, shame and humiliation was the only option, if only to teach those who could still possibly be born again a lesson.

Peter was the first to sign on to the new Christian Strike Force proposed by the church elders. On their first mission, they were able to capture three Mexican gang members. And Peter watched as his team leader burned them with cigarettes. Within a few minutes, one of them was ready to be born again.

Inspired by the scene, Peter, as though guided by God, through one of the remaining non-believers down on the ground. He then pulled out his knife and carved a cross on the man’s chest; and the man screamed in pain. But he would not confess. “Repent!” Peter yelled at him, but he could only mumble in Spanish. So Peter brought his knife up to the man’s eye. And at this the man began to pray out loud to himself. “Si! Si! Yes, yes, I love Jesus,” he then told the men in the room.

The other men in the room were so impressed by Peter, they surrounded the remaining non believer and took turns abusing him. But he would not repent. One Christian soldier even carved off the Mexican’s ear, yet still he would not confess his sins and embrace Jesus. “I love the Devil,” this sinner whispered between screams. So the men decided to bring him before the church elders.

And the elders decided the man needed to be publicly shamed. After much discussion, they described the punishment as follows:
1) first the man was to be brought to the town square and stripped naked
2) then carrots were to be stuck in his mouth and anus
3) after that he was to be caned seven times
4) finally, and just so everyone would know the man was filthy, Christ-less sinner, his nose was to be cut off.

As the punishment was being carried out, most in the crowd were overcome with sadness. Not because the Mexican was suffering great pain, but because his was surely a lost soul. Sobs could even be heard among the people, they cared so deeply for the lost soul.

It was after the public shaming that Peter proposed to Jez, who immediately said yes and broke their unspoken rule never to touch before marriage. But Peter was not mad, for he was filled with joy. And that night they were married.

In the bedroom they kissed, and Peter put his fingers into her. It felt like warm mud. Next he stripped off her shirt, then her underwear. He’d never seen a naked woman before, and it was a wonderful, indescribable experience. The love he felt for her at that moment, he thought, would certainly bring them a night of incredible passion, the kind only true love could create. But as he struggled to enter her, the moment became slightly uncomfortable; and with penetration the moment became even worse, as what once felt like warm mud changed into a sensation of worms crawling around on his manhood. What Peter did not realize was that God had cursed his relationship with Jez. Not because Peter was a bad man, but because: a) Peter, right at the moment of the Rapture, had succumbed to lust and b) Jez was not worthy of Peter. But as he exploded inside her, Peter was oblivious to these facts.


Blogger Ryven said...

...... Wow. Just. Um. Wow. Please get help. Or get a producer to turn this into a sci-fi movie.

12:16 AM  
Anonymous dk said...


I'd put money on it that their "Unholy Trist" begets the Anti-Christ!

I don't really care. He came.

And so did I!

1:15 AM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

dk -- that would be entirely too obvious. but you are right in that their unholy tryst will, in fact, spawn something. and it's not Jesus, either....

8:32 AM  
Blogger Wrin said...

Wow. That's really quite badly thought out. The part about sticking carrots in a Mexican's butt really looks like some repressed homosexual tendencies, Nathan. Oh, and the whole bit where people won't become "good Christians" until they're being punished is hilarious.

10:42 AM  
Anonymous dk said...

Oh man, I'm riveted to the spot! I must know what "interesting" plot twist you intend to incorporate.

Is she going to get eaten from the inside out by her own spawn?

Or maybe she'll merely have the child and it will be evil incarnate and she will be turned barren by this causing Peter to not love her any more and blah blah blah...

Oh wait, thats right, Peter doesn't love her, he only has enough love for god supposedly.

You do realize that normal people can love as many things as they want and they will never run out of love.

I learned that on Sesame Street!

But then again you probably think that even THAT is evil and full of abominations and lies.

Grow up you fuck head. Honestly! I mock people on the internet for my own amusement and even I can see that you need counciling and a fucking wake up call.


7:54 PM  
Anonymous Matthew said...

Wow, you've just excommunicated the entire human race, except, maybe six people. Congrats.

8:52 PM  
Anonymous Led Head said...

"And Peter watched as his team leader burned them with cigarettes. Within a few minutes, one of them was ready to be born again.

Inspired by the scene, Peter, as though guided by God, through one of the remaining non-believers down on the ground. He then pulled out his knife and carved a cross on the man’s chest; and the man screamed in pain."

If Umbridge has influenced anyone on this blog, she's influenced you!

Ryven is right. You need help. Fast.

9:21 PM  
Blogger Ryven said...

If he had actually read the Potter series, he would have realized that Umbridge was an evil person for her deeds, not for her boobs :D

9:46 PM  
Anonymous Led Head said...

Heh, but even she didn't go around sticking carrots up peoples arses as punishment.

9:54 PM  
Anonymous Matthew said...

Jez isn't short for Jezebel, is it? That's just too easy.

12:37 PM  
Blogger Ryven said...

Oooh, she's totally Jezebel for wearing slightly noticable tighter clothes and a bit of make up, thinking for herself, ("Um... why is it wrong to eat shrimp?" is not a horrible thing to ask.)and listening to something other than depressing hymns all the time.

Totally horrible. Tsk. For shame. /sarcasm

1:55 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

I like my version better:

As the punishment was being carried out, Peter pranced by, pulled the carrot out of the guy's anus, and nibbled it. "Mmm...tastes like chocolate."

9:01 PM  
Anonymous Khafre said...

"Jez was not worthy of Peter."

Every woman is worthy of a little Peter once in awhile.

9:07 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

khame -- you are obviously a whore-soldier of satan.

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Khafre said...

Nope. Just your average, horny, American Joe. Nothin' wrong with that.

You'd be the same way if you could...

Never mind.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...


I just hope you're not referring to Peter Pettigrew from the Harry Potter series. Eewww!!!

I wouldn't go to bed with him if he were the last man on earth!

11:28 PM  
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12:07 AM  

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