Why Be Afraid of the Patriot Act: God is Already Spying On You

Since 9/11, a debate has raged across the country: how far should we go to protect ourselves from the heathen terrorists of the Middle East? Can we torture and humiliate them; can we deprive them of due process; can we pre-emptively invade Muslim countries that dare attempt to acquire nuclear arms and threaten Israel? And despite the attempts of the America-hating, cowardly left, the answer to these questions has been a resounding yes; and I watched with pride as the spread of democracy and freedom crushed Iraq and Afghanistan, as our heroic and honorable soldiers taught all the terrorists of the Middle East who is boss and sent Osama bin Laden and his ilk into hiding. While the cowardly and sensitive liberals were horrified by the images out of Abu Ghrab, of the pyramid of naked Iraqis, of the Muslims on a leash, I recognized that the spread of freedom and democracy is not something that can be learned in an area that hates Jesus, but instead must be forced down the peoples' throats.

But while I easily accepted that the rest of the world had to suffer and sacrifice in order for America to be safe from terrorists, I struggled with the possibility of our having to sacrifice. Of particular concern to me was the Patriot Act. The idea that the government could freely wiretap any computer or phone I use and have access to all of my records, including the books I check out of a library, really scared me. As Christians, we must vigilantly guard our freedoms, lest the secularists, homosexuals, and practitioners of witchcraft and sorcery prevent us from worshipping altogether. I was also worried, however, that the government might be over-reaching, attempting to become omnipresent the way only God can be. Our lives are already governed by a Heavenly Patriot Act, where God sees, hears, and feels everything we do and think. If we touch ourselves, improperly wasting our seed, God is spying on us. If we have impure thoughts, He knows what we are thinking, and He judges us. When we are in bed with our wives, girlfriends, and/or whores, He is there, watching with approval or disapproval, depending on the righteousness of our lust. When we lie, cheat, or steal, He knows. It's as though there is a camera linked to Heaven in every place we go, as though our brains are wiretapped by God.

My fear, though, has been put to rest, for we are fortunate enough to have a leader who speaks to God. Not only this, but President Bush is a born again Christian, so he would never abuse his power. Just as God commanded Moses to attack the enemies of Israel and massacre men and boys, He has commanded our President to kill terrorists. It makes sense, then, that our modern day Moses of a President be empowered to spy on us, to read our e-mails, listen to our conversations, and search our homes. In fact, God may have even given the President a special Heavenly device, where he can read our every thought and watch our every move. Just imagine that the next time you decide to sin OR commit terrorist acts against the country.