Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Wall Mart Shoppers are Good Christians


So last Sunday, I decided to have an exciting time by going out after church. So after church I went to Wal-Mart. For those of you looking to “go out” on weekends, or spend some time out on Friday nights, I recommend Wal-Mart as the place to be. It’s the place to see and be seen by good friends and neighbors alike. It’s also a great place for the ladies to go and chat and gossip with their church friends in the aisles concerning all the latest things happening on their lives. During my most recent trip to Wal-Mart I saw several church friends who had attended church services with me that very same day! I saw several neighbors who attended church services also. There may have been some people there who did not attend church but, thankfully, I didn’t recognize them. Regardless, I’m sure that many, if not most of the people there had attended church because Wal-mart shoppers always appear to be simple wholesome people who respect faith and values, and such people certainly know how to spot a bargain. Therefore, Wal-Mart is the ideal place to shop if you are a faithful church-going Christian. Wal-Mart is a Christian company with Christian ideals. They are headquartered, not in New York City or San Francisco, but in Bentonville Arkansas. The senior management consists of earnest, hard-working leaders, who remain faithful to their customers by working to keep prices as low as possible – thereby allowing Christian families to save money. The company is respectful of Christian ideals by banning inappropriate books, like that one book by John Stewart in 2004. They say that over 70% of Wal-Mart shoppers voted for George Bush in 2004. While most viscous liberals out there would cite that statistic as a point of ridicule aimed at conservative Christians who remained faithful to their values, I see it as a sign that Wal-Mart shoppers are simply good people who love their country.

I also believe that Wal-Mart provides great jobs for the local people. However, every time I visit Wal-Mart I get the impression that many of the workers are not thankful enough for their Wal-Mart jobs. Wal-Mart jobs are wonderful jobs for many people. They get paid 8.50 an hour and they get occasional bathroom breaks. They have the priviledge of being able to help the customers get low prices. They also get to wear those bright blue smocks. What on earth is wrong with that? Yet, I get the impression that many US Wal-Mart workers are dissatisfied, and I don’t understand why. I feel that the dissatisfaction of Wal-mart workers is symbolic of what is wrong with the working class in general. That’s why we need to completely eliminate social welfare programs, eliminate taxes on the rich, and bring back poor-houses as a means of punishing those who will not work at Wal-mart type jobs. If we had poor-houses (see previous post on bringing back the 19th century-style poor-house) the Wal-mart workers would be truly grateful for their jobs because they would see that the only alternative would be the poor-house - where they would learn the true definition of misery and suffering. Only then would Wal-Mart workers finally realize that they had better eagerly perform their jobs with bright cheerful attitudes, lest they be fired and consigned to the dark gloomy halls of the poorhouse!

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHA!
You are joking, right?
Freaking hilarious!
Why don't you work at Walmart if it's so damn good? You probably can't because your English literacy is atrocious. Spelling, grammar -'viscous' liberals?? Yes I'm sure there are many 'partially solidified fluid' liberals.
I have a mind to bookmark your blog to have a good laugh every day. But, I think I will absolutely ignore your existence from now on. :-D
Don't worry - I'm sure your children won't be able to study at a college due to your ineptitude (as opposed to many in the USA who are prevented from attending college through poverty or discrimination) and will end up working at Walmart themselves. Hooray! Pack my Walmart bags, slaves! You don't even know the meaning of the word Christian, do you?
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

7:37 PM  
Blogger Kalira said...

"They say that over 70% of Wal-Mart shoppers voted for George Bush in 2004. While most viscous liberals out there would cite that statistic as a point of ridicule aimed at conservative Christians who remained faithful to their values, I see it as a sign that Wal-Mart shoppers are simply good people who love their country."

Viscous. Yes. It is my curse. Curse my semisolid state!

8:49 PM  
Anonymous Society of Christians for the Restoration of Old Testament Morality said...

Yet, I get the impression that many US Wal-Mart workers are dissatisfied, and I don’t understand why.

I think I do. They hate America and demand special privileges.

5:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh wow! I can't even wrap my mind around the horrifying fact that people like you actually exist! It amazes me how "Christians" like you are so judgmental of everyone else and their choices. I mean how would anyone who meets you or reads this even know you were a Christian other than you falsely claiming that status?
It's a womans fault for being raped simply because she works? So Since you seem to have a hard on for the 50's era: let's say your Mother was walking home from the grocery store to go prepare a meal for her family(her job), and she gets raped, would that be her fault for walking down the same street as a man? Or would it (as common sense should tell you) be the mentally disturbed perverts fault who sexually assaulted her?
I feel so sorry for you and desperately hope you find a way out of the twisted brain washing that you're being subjected to.

By the way most of the people I see at Wal Mart are a step away from the poverty you know nothing about yet seem to have a strong disdain for. Where do you get that people of God are all poor or on a quest to save money? You make it sound as if they're all too dumb to have good careers.

1:25 AM  
Blogger jrc87 said...

Ohhhhh I get it...you guys are doing SATIRE, here. Had me for a few minutes, there.

3:53 PM  
Anonymous Omerta901@yahoo.com said...

I love this blog. If it's not serious then CONGRATULATIONS on creating the funniest literature one can pick up and read. If you're agenda is of true passion and devotion, then thank you. Thank you for showing the the flawed logic of Extremists like you. However, I would love to completely dissect your brains and logically prove every single thread of belief you both have in e-mail one day. I left my e-mail. Feel free to contact me.

Oh and to pull the trigger, you have created a site that says Jesus Loves Everything. So then wouldn't it be safe to say Jesus loves sin, science, "heathens", clinical depression, etc, etc.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Dr. JD Parnell said...

Omerta,

This site is 100% serious and genuine. Every post written herein is righteus and true, word for word. What hurts me more than anything are the baseless acusations that this site is a parody - that is utter hogwash. The point of these posts is to set people on the righteous path, and to try to force people to come under the authority of good and righteous patriarchs such as myself. Those who disagree with the tenets of this site are most certainly among the hellfire bound, and even some who would agree with our views may also be among the hellfire-bound if they refuse to submit to our authority immediately!

As for the title, "Jesusloveseverything", it reflects God and Jesus's eternal love for sinners, but that not mean that God forgives the sin, without being washed in the blood of Christ, and part of that cleansing means adopting a Godly and biblical worldview, that is consistent with the tenets of this site, which is the only to avoid being among the hellfire-bound.

4:25 PM  
Anonymous Fr. Ochoa said...

WAL-MART IS EVIL!
For your information, Wal-Mart workers work very long hours and cannot form unions. Also, do you even know how Wal-Mart is able to give such low prices and still make a large profit. It is because they are the middle man, but instead of selling the items for more, they BUY the items for LESS. They force the producers to sell their items for a much lower price. Whenever a Wal-Mart appears in a city, small businesses cannot possibly compete with Wal-Mart's prices, and as a result, the small businesses have to go out of business, leaving the owners without jobs. Wal-Mart is evil, and may it die out someday.

5:29 PM  

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