Monday, July 10, 2006

A Shame Has Been Cast Upon the Great State of Virginia

This was recently brought to my attention, and it is a shame on the great state of Virginia. It is proof that, despite the state’s heroic stance against gay marriage, certain ideas promoted by the Devil, i.e. that witchcraft does not exist, have fully infiltrated its psyche. The fact that the witch, now pardoned, floated upon being cast into the river is proof of her guilt. I know that most of you, all equally tempted by the whispers of Satan, doubt the wisdom of suchancientt ways of proving evil. But be sure that just because the methods be old does not mean they are not effective. Surely you that have such doubts believe that the herbs and weird philosophies of ancient China and India can heal or harm the body, so why not have faith in the Christian ways of yesteryear? I'm particularly saddened by the fact that Virginia, myhome-statee, has embraced suchhypocrisyy. It should not be spending time clearing the bad names of witches (especially this particular witch, who was no better than an abortion doctor with her black magic that caused women to miscarry) and other Satanists; -no! It should be rededicating itself to casting such evil out, condemning all those that deny the Bible is right and true. Each should have their fingers tied to their toes and tossed into a river to see if they float. A special prison could then be created not unlike the debtor prisons of long ago, except instead of debt to creditors, the debt will be to God.

I know many of you may have been wondering where I have been the last couple of weeks, as I have neglected my duties to this site. I am saddened to report to those of you that care that I was recently plagued by sinful thoughts and have spent many hours purging them from my head. Not that it is any of your business, but as part of the healing process I must share with you these aforementioned thoughts: rather than think of my wife as a wonderful partner to have children with, I recently thought of her in a sexual way and made advances with no intention of the result being a son or daughter. So there it is...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're just jealous that you don't have cool powers!


12:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:45 AM  
Anonymous Marionette said...

When there are so many things corrupting the world, why waste your time with something that happened 300 years ago, especially when she has already passed on and been judged a power much higher? Waste of paperwork.

Of course there's witchcraft. Followers of Satanism and Wicca use these concepts to destroy those who oppose them. 'Powers' like that should not be held by mortal hands and eventually be consumed by it until there's nothing left to save.

*To the aside*

It's very nice that you can bring yourself to respect both you and your wife to that level. By not using her for pleasure, shows a deeper and more mature bond between you two. And as long as you're not punishing yourself by mutilating the body that God gave you (and that's no better than a child with a new toy) then I respect it.

5:59 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Nathaniel, I have a question. As long as you and your wife are willing to accept a child that might result from a sexual union, what is so wrong about expressing your love for one another in such a manner?

And although I don't agree with your views on this matter, I could respect them if you were indeed doing it out of respect for yourselves and eachother. But it's hard for me to believe that this is the case when you make your wife sleep on the floor at the foot of your bed.

8:01 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

marionette -- welcome to the site. i am glad that you accept at least some of what i've said without resorting to absolute cynacism, like wrin and ledhead. but you should know that sinners should be condemned for all time unless they repent. and there is no evidence that this witch ever did such a thing.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

led-head -- one must never give into sins of the flesh. it is a sin of the flesh whenever pleasure is an instigator. if you give in, then you are giving into the temptation of the devil, who is at his most devastating when we let out guard down. it is corrupting and will eventually steal your soul

10:41 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Then give your wife a bed of her own. Don't make her sleep on the floor at the foot of your own.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Also, there was no real evidence that the woman was actually a witch.

Do you have any idea how easy it was to be condemned as a witch in that era? For instance, if Parnell had a grudge against you for whatever reason, all he'd have to do is point to your wife and say, "She's a witch." Your wife might be the most reverent, God-fearing person in town, but it wouldn't matter. She would be tortured relentlessly until she confessed. Pain has a strange way of making people do that.

10:58 PM  
Blogger Ryven said...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't post here, but I can't help it. This entry made me laugh. Laugh right out loud.

This is pretty long. But it's severely fitting.


Bedevere stands on a stage in front of a large crowd of wild villagers.

Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch?
Villager: She looks like one!
Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!!
Bedevere: Bring her forward.

(a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She
is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose,
and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is
closed by the carrot.)

Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch!
Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one.
Witch: THEY dressed me up like this.
Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't!
Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!

(Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in
fact rather small.)

Bedevere: Well?
One Villager: Well, we did do the nose.
Bedevere: The nose?
Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch!
Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her!
Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no...
One Villager: yes.
Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit.
Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart...
Bedevere: What makes you think she is a witch?
Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!!


Bedevere: a newt?

(long pause)

Villager: I got better...
Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER!
Bedevere: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she
is a witch!
Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us!
Bedevere: Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Bedevere: And what do you burn apart from witches?
Villager: More Witches!
Other Villager: Wood.
Bedevere: So. Why do witches burn?

(long silence)
(shuffling of feet by the villagers)

Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood?
Bedevere: Goooood!
Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh....
Bedevere: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood?
One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er!
Bedevere: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm...
Bedevere: Does wood sink in water?
One Villager: No! No, no, it floats!
Other Villager: Throw her into the pond!
Villagers: yaaaaaa!

(when order is restored)

Bedevere: What also floats in water?
Villager: Bread!
Another Villager: Apples!
Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks!
Another Villager: Cider!
Another Villager: Uh...great gravy!
Another Villager: Cherries!
Another Villager: Mud!
Another Villager: Churches! Churches!
Another Villager: Lead! Lead!
King Arthur: A Duck!
Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh!
Bedevere: exACTly!
Bedevere: (to a villager) So, *logically*...
Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word)
If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood.
Bedevere: and therefore...


Villager: A Witch!
All Villagers: A WITCH!

(they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest
scale, which is obviously rigged, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.)

Enjoy :)

1:45 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Lol, where's that from, Ryven?

9:58 PM  
Blogger Ryven said...

Monty Python and the Holy Grail. ^^

And that's it. Back to lurking.

11:57 PM  

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