Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Fat Children are a Sign of the End Times


There are too many fat children these days. I was watching Jerry Springer the other day, and there was an episode about fat children, and the children were huge! The parents gave these kids anything and everything they wanted to eat. One large 5-year-old child was gorging himself on a bucket of fried chicken. It was disgusting – the grease was covering his chubby face. Now, I am not being the least bit judgmental. I, myself, enjoy the occasional fried chicken bucket, but I am an adult! I take all of these fat children as a sure sign that the end times are most definitely upon us!

All over the world children are getting fatter and fatter. A Nathaniel posted previously, “obesity, in general, is a sure sign of the Devil's mastery of our basest desires. Appealing to these, he has reached to the glutton in all of us, sucking the soul away of the Christ-less just as they suck on milkshakes and fries”.

With children it’s even more complicated. Parents these days chose to indulge their children’s’ desires for fatty and sugary foods more than ever. So obesity among children is not just an issue of the child’s overindulgence and weak moral character. It’s also a symptom of lax parental authority, exacerbated by the mass media and the abundance of fast food restaurants. Parents need to better control their children’s diet. The proper children’s diet should consist only of wholesome foods like fresh fruits and vegetables, plenty of whole grains, and healthy protein-rich foods like chicken and fresh fish! Red meat should be eaten in lesser quantities, and absolutely no fast foods! No candy and no soft-drinks! No ice-cream because it is too fatty! Instead desert should consist of cold bowls of non-fat iced-milk! This type of diet would all but prevent obesity in children. The children who already suffer from obesity issues should be sent to Christian-run fat camps, where weight loss would be attained through a steady diet of rigorous exercise, bible-lessons, prayer and rigorous exorcism. The exorcism is necessary because I believe that being fat is a sign of a demon-possessed spirit! The foods to be served at these fat farms will consist of cold bowls of synthetic low-calorie gruel. The gruel will be flavorless, but would provide all the key vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. It would be not unlike the gruel fed intravenously by the machines to those still plugged inside the Matrix on The Matrix movies! In fact this gives me a tremendous idea! The Christian fat camps can be completely automated, and the fat children can be put in a state of hibernation and placed into pods where the gruel is supplied intravenously to their bodies for optimal weight-loss and nourishment. The fatties would not be totally unconscious, but would be in a long-term suspended dream-like state. Therefore, some good, Christian, God-fearing scientist would be employed to write a computer program not unlike the computer program that forms the basis for the virtual world of The Matrix on The Matrix movies. However, this virtual world would be the perfect Christian world in all respects! All of the evil influences of the real world would be blotted out and the children would graduate from the fat farms knowing only what is good and Christ-like. As far as the exercise, that is a problem that still needs to be addressed because living in a pod in a constant dream-like state is certainly not good exercise! Maybe robotic arms would extend into the pods to force the fat children to periodically move their limbs while dreaming, so that the excess flab can be burned off, but that’s just one idea. In any event, there are many possibilities for how to properly deal with all the fat children that are out there!

5 Comments:

Blogger Led Head said...

You're village called. Their idiot is missing.

1:59 AM  
Blogger Dr. JD Parnell said...

Led Head, I am not currently aware of any missing idiots from my village, and if there ARE any idiots there or anywhere else, I would not know them because they are most certainly among the hellfire bound.

9:54 AM  
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4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you make me laugh so hard :D

9:32 PM  
Blogger Annabelle Aldaco said...

Um... I'm overweight, and I hardy eat at all. Should I have an exorcism?

12:57 PM  

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