Prepare for the End Times with Robots and Clones

As everyone who reads this site knows by now, the end times are coming, and it will be a horrific time for the Christians left behind, as the world undergoes a series of natural disasters and is eventually taken over by the antichrist, who will hunt down the remaining Christians, killing them, preventing them from working or trading, such that they starve. That is why we've always advocated preparing, investing in technology and infrastructure that we Christians can use to defend ourselves and scrape out a living until Jesus comes and saves us at the Glorious Appearing. One idea is the Jesus Loves Everything Superstore -- an underground network of Wal-Mart-like superstores that serves Christians so they can buy the necessities of life so cruelly taken away by the antichrist. Another is the Jesus Loves Everything R&D department, where we use technology developed by secular scientists to invent our own devices with which we can fight evil when the end times come. To this end, I've recently come across some new technology we must further develop so that we may rise up against Satan: robots that we can control with our minds. That's right, scientists are currently working on prosthetics that amputees can manipulate with brain waves. There is no reason, then, that we couldn't use this technology and attach it to gigantic robots that will guard our homes and churches, that can walk us to our schools and to stores. We could even build an army of robots and do battle with the antichrist at his headquarters, the UN. Some of you might be wondering why we need a mind control device for the robots, since, in theory, the robots could just fight on their own, absent any Christian brain waves. Well, the thing is that a) it might be awhile before the technology for robots that think for themselves will be available, and the end times could come any day now and b) anyone who's watched the matrix knows robots CANNOT be trusted.

It's also true that scientists have recently been working on fake muscles that are 100 times stronger than human muscles. This could be developed into an exo-skeleton to protect us Christians in case antichrist armies ever break through our robot defense. Just imagine an army of bionic-Christians!

One last idea (for now, of course): while it is certain that there will be millions of Christians left behind for the end times, we cannot be sure that these good people will have enough leaders among them to properly defend against the antichrist, despite all the technology we've (hopefully) developed over the years. That is why I also propose we create Christian labs to work on cloning technology. I know people are inevitably going to call me a hypocrite, since I've often preached against cloning and technology, generally; but really, I'm not, for technology -- even cloning -- is good in the hands of a true Christian. Anyway, cloning -- yes, we need to work on cloning technology and, as soon as it's perfected, begin the process of cloning our great Christian leaders so they can lead those of us left behind. The problem, however, with this is that the end times may come before the clones reach maturity, which is why we need to invent some acceleration technology, not unlike that found in the horrible but insightful Sylvester Stallone movie, Judge Dredd. That way we can keep the DNA of people like Dr. Dobson and Pat Robertson and grow them as needed.