Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Punishment Chair - (when whippings are not enough!)

Well, you all know that I am an ardent supporter of whippings and corporal punishment for disobedient children - both in the home and in the school! However, there are times when whippings just aren't good enough! For the truly troubled children, we need to be more innovative in our punishment techniques. It is ridiculous to think that corporal punishment of troubled children should be restricted to only lashings and cannings with hickory switches and sticks! - Even if that includes belts and whips!!! No no no!!! We must be far more comprehensive. The definition of corporal punishment is not just whippings, lashings, spanking, and cannings. Corporal Punishment, broadly defined, means any type of punishment that is meant to inflict physical pain. Therefore, we must get beyond whippings and such and consider other ways of inflicting pain on troubled children, so that the devil may be forced from them and they may be saved from eternal hellfire!

A particular punishment that I have thought up recently is more harsh than mere whippings or cannings, and therefore, it could be used for the most disobedient children and the ones who are truly troubled. It is called the punishment chair. Do you know about the electric chair? It was used for putting criminals to death! Well the punishment chair is similar to the electric chair. The key difference is that it may be built to smaller sizes so that it can accompany children, and the operating voltage is significantly lower so that it will not kill. However, it will inflict a great deal of pain! A standard sized electric chair can also be used as a punishment chair. However, the voltage must be kept low enough such that it won't result in death - only intense pain. As for the sizing - If a standard size electric chair is used, then books, bricks, pieces of wood, or a booster seat should be placed on the seat of the chair so that the child is seated high enough for his head to be placed in the Helment that is lined with a wet sponge, so that the electric current can be conducted through his body. As for the strength of the current, the current passing through the body must not be high enough to cause death, but it should cause intense pain. That is the reason the operating voltage must be kept sufficiently low, so that the electric current passing through the child's body is not too strong. As for the duration of the punishment - It must be long enough such that that the child learns his lesson! If the punishment results in unconsciousness before the child learns his lesson than the child must be woken up, and the punishment must continue! If the punishment results in blood seeping from the eyes, than so be it! If this occurs, then the punishment must be discontinued until the child recovers from the injury, and then the punishment must be continued until the child learns his lesson. How do you know when the child learns his lesson? That is when the child recants his misdeeds and acknowledges his sinful nature, and pledges to commit himself to the Lord, Jesus, and promises to become a good child from that day forward! That is the way that we can deal with truly troubled children! This may seem somewhat harsh to many of you. Well, I contend that, for some children, it is impossible to simply spank or even beat the devil out them. For some children we must inflict true excruciating pain to force the devil from them. I acknowledge that hopefully this applies to only a small segment of our youth. However it must be considered as a final solution for those children who are truly troubled and influenced by the devil!!


Blogger Marionette said...

You're suggesting an ECT treatment. Treatments that have been known to cause:
-memory loss
-mental retardation
-loss of muscle control
-heart palpitations

Dr. Parnell do you even HAVE children?

No real mother would allow to have their children tortured. I'm sorry, but... no. Just NO.

8:14 AM  
Blogger Dr. JD Parnell said...

The government took my boy from me.

6:00 PM  
Blogger Led Head said...

And not a moment too soon.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Marionette said...

Well, you have my sympathies, but I have to wonder if it was your fault. Especially when you post things like these where you talk about torturing children.

8:46 AM  
Blogger Wrin said...

That is torture, and you are advocating using it on children. Do you disagree?

10:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahah. Great parody site of insanity xianity. You crazy shmoe. LOL. Electrocution ha! Don't forget caning, stoning and smiting - always favs with god. Too funny.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

wrin -- you should know by now that we advocate torture of all kinds on all people. but just so you know, this is clearly a punishment of last resort, for children who were born bad and for whom there is no hope

11:11 AM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

anonymous -- we will see how funny you think this site is as you undergo all the tortures of hell. and you surely will; for anyone who thinks this site is a parody is a servant of Satan.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Led Head said...

Correction: anyone who would "advocate torture of all kinds on all people" is a servant of Satan! I personally don't believe the devil exists, but if he does he definitely has you two twisted around his finger!

7:35 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

You are absolutely psycho. Ok, so I am only 17, but after reading this article about "The Punishment Chair," I have decided that you are indeed, officially psycho. What the HELL happened to you as a child. As if that was not bad enough, I then scrolled down and read your article about Bush, one quote stood out in my mind, "This country's greatest president." You have some serious problems. And I would love to meet you in real life.

10:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Religion is so ironic.

2:39 PM  
Blogger Laura Tobin said...

I hope to God you're joking, because if you aren't you are a truly sick individual.

10:41 AM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

laura -- no, we are not joking, as we have made very clear before. i've found, as an aside, that people who are blind to our lord jesus christ often either accuse the good doctor and i of joking or of being sick and twisted. this is merely proof of the corruption of these peoples' minds, as they are completely unable to see the light of our glorious Lord and Savior.

2:03 PM  
Blogger Laura Tobin said...

You can be a child abuser, OR you can be a Christian. But you cannot be both. You might think you're a Christian, but I'm here to tell you that you're not.

8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you have done any of these things to anotehr human being let alone your own children may god take pity on your soul cuz i wont...i have advence computer skills so finding your IP would be easy, i am a black belt in two martail arts Shotokan Karate, and Wushu Kung Fu, and i have studied greatly into human phycoligy i know what breaks peoples minds...remeber that

2:54 PM  
Anonymous baseballtom40 said...

This is one of the sickest things I have ever heard. I can't believe someone could possibly think of doing this to children. In the name of the God that we both worship, you need to seriously reexamine yourself and your beliefs. Is this what the Bible really teaches?

7:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you should try this treatment out on yourself before inflicting it upon children. After all, it's possible that an utterly incorruptible - I mean, er, an unthinkably "sinful" and "diabolic" child might become so badly brain-damaged that they lose their ability to speak altogether before succumbing to your silly dogmas. How would you judge when they have been "saved", eh? Better you than them, if you know what I mean.

Also, how would you deal with "evil" children who have pain agnosia? Corporal punishment won't do a lot for them. Time for a serious rethink. Psycho!

1:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dr. JD Parnell- no wonder the government took away your kid, your also a supporter of this. i bet he is happy now that he cant be whipped any more

2:34 AM  
Blogger marvin z. martian said...

So, liking President Bush is on the same level as torturing children?

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My girl showed me this page...she said she would like to try your punishment chair. Can this be arranged?

3:57 PM  

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