Assimilate or Else

President Bush recently said immigrants need to assimilate. This heroic speech reminded me of the heroes of Star Trek, also known as the Borg. I know the show built them up to be this evil empire, this alien race that sped around space, sucking up -- absorbing, assimilating -- all the universe's biodiversity and eradicating the freedom and differences of all its life forms, but the way I see it, they were really protecting Heaven from the unworthy. For as I'm sure I've mentioned before, there is no such thing as "space"; -no, what exists outside the Earth's "atmosphere" is surely Heaven. The Federation wasn't on this glorious mission of exploration, but instead was on a Satanic mission to invade Heaven. Not that many of the Federation's members believed in Heaven -- Picard, for example, was certainly one of these liberal "intellectuals" that explored space only to prove God does not exist. But what people such as he believed was of no matter to the Devil. And the Borg brought the wrath of God upon these sinners, doing God's work in protecting Heaven from intruders unworthy to even sniff the air of space/Heaven. At the same time they spread their message - certainly the message of the Bible -- and assimilated all those that crossed their path. I'm sure beneath the wires and cuts the "victims" of the Borg were in fact experiencing incredible joy given their newfound closeness to God.

Anyway, after hearing Bush speaking of assimilating illegal aliens into our culture, I was reminded of the Borg and it gave me hope that if perhaps we true Christians could properly organize ourselves we could be to the sinners of this country what the Borg were to the Federation. In fact, we should model ourselves after the Borg, drilling holes in and connecting powerful computer chips to all the world's people. I'm not sure what exactly these things did to the "victims" of the Borg, but in the real world they would certainly program people with wholesome Christian values and the teachings of the Bible. I'm sure the first generation of such technology won't be nearly advanced enough to accomplish such an enormous gift to God; however, it shouldn't be too hard to equip our first computer chips, to program our first version of software to administer shocks and various other types of pain to those that sin and to monitor the general population. Given all that we know about the brain and all the money big pharmaceutical companies have invested in developing mind-altering drugs, it should be equally possible to disable certain pleasure centers and things of that nature in people's minds. I know there will be those of you that doubt me, even among my Christian brothers. But thousands of years ago I'm sure people looked up at the night sky and dreamed of one day landing on the moon, and, apparently, we've accomplished that. Why not assimilation?