Sex in a Spray, Devil in a Bottle

We are surrounded by sex; it's on television, in music, on billboards, all slickly packaged by the Devil so we can be tempted into his arms. There was a more perfect time when husbands and wives did not even sleep in the same bed, lest they be tempted into fornication for pleasure rather than baby-making, and this was a time when America was great and all-powerful. People who dared express sexuality were castigated, such that all sexual perversion was scared out of our God-fearing, Christian society. Homosexuality was driven deep underground, and rarely did one see women and men living together who were not married. Sexually transmitted diseases? Those were for whores and their God-less lovers.

Then came the dirty hippies and their witchcraft, taking LSD, smoking pot, sleeping with one another the way animals do in the wild. Subliminally brainwashing children with their Devil rock music, they were able to open the minds of an entire generation to Satan, so where once people like Jessica Simpson would be stoned for being a whore, she is now held up as a role model for women.

But of course the Devil never rests, and he is currently working on many more ways with which to corrupt our society into fornicating itself to eternal damnation. None other than his most loyal of servants are on the task: scientists. Just look at this new scientific development -- sex in a spray! Certainly, it will be used by all manner of perverts, and it is only a matter of time before they begin spraying it on our children to tempt them into illicit relationships that lead to only one place: HELL. But not according to scientists. According to them, sex is good for us! It even prevents disease. To prove them wrong, we should send all the scientists to Africa, where they can copulate with locals. When they come back ridden with AIDS, their lies will be exposed for all to see.

Oh, but even worse: the Catholic Church, after years of lying in wait, drawing unaware Christian souls to it, is revealing its true colors as an instrument of the Devil. For years they told us that condoms were bad -- and rightly so, since, as I've said before, sex is only for marriage and only for producing children -- but now they are changing their position because of diseases like AIDS. And this is a clear affront to God, who condemns sinners with such diseases. It is only natural that those who abuse God's gift of childbirth experience pain and suffering, and trying to prevent it is a thumb in His eye. We should be giving diseases to fornicators, not preventing them. But we Christians can take solace in the fact that no condom in the universe will work in Hell. Sinners could wrap their entire bodies in condom and would still never escape eternal damnation and suffering.

With all of this going on, it is imperative that the true Christians of America unite and cast out this temptation of Satan. Luckily, some places are recognizing this duty.