Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Jesus DID Walk on Water, Stupid Scientists

I'm both infuriated and amused at this blatant example of science being used to denigrate the Christian faith. Now they expect us to believe that the sea of Galilee froze, thus explaining how Jesus walked on water. Oh yes, they explain, their statistical models and fossils make it possible, and they are much more reliable than the Bible, a.k.a. the WORD OF GOD. We all know how scientists are really just stooges of the Devil and cannot be trusted, so I won't ramble on any longer about it -- for now. But sometimes I like to envision what Jesus might do if he were alive right now and were confronted by scientists like this. Before I share my imagination with you, let me state right now that I realize some of you will complain that Jesus would not be vengeful and would forgive, etc. etc; but this is where you'd be wrong: scientists are not people; they are demons who rose up straight from the bottomless pit to take the form of humans and trick us into believing lies so that we lose our connection to God. So really no punishment would be too harsh, and if Jesus were here he'd destroy them by:

1) turning the sea of Galilee into a sea of molten lava and making the scientists walk over it.
2) tricking the scientists into drinking poisoned wine so that they begin to hallucinate and think they're Jesus, such that they are suddenly inspired to walk on water. Of course, they are hallucinating so what they think is water is really the edge of a really tall cliff.
3) giving them parachutes and flying them up high into the sky, but when he drops them and they try to open the parachutes a pile of fossils and fetuses come out, instead. And Jesus follows them as they fall, laughing.
4) turning them into living fossils, such that they can think and see and hear, but are immobilized. And they live like that for an eternity, watching the world pass them by.
5) dissecting them like a fetal pig, then putting them back together very sloppily, such that they look like Frankenstein and must spend their remaining days on earth as freaks.


Now I know these punishments may not sound horrific enough for some of you, and you are probably right. Jesus is, after all, the son of God and would most likely torture the scientists in much more creative and painful ways. But one can only try...

7 Comments:

Blogger MoRich said...

Luckily for you, despite your ignorant, hateful inability to forgive and your blasphemous characterization of Jesus as reveling in creative and brutal torture, your religion teaches that you will be forgiven nonetheless. So you got that goin' for you, which is nice.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

morich -- i am very lucky, for i've definitely been a sinner and will certainly need forgiveness. i must say, however, that i'm not sure where you ever got the idea i don't forgive. non-believers such as yourself always seem to confuse the need to punish sinners with an inability to forgiveness. and you must have missed my qualification that scientists are not people, but demons, so, really, my characterization of Jesus is not blasphemous.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

..."and they are much more reliable than the Bible, a.k.a. the WORD OF GOD." WRONG. The Bible is the word of men, just like you and I, who say that they have heard the word of God. It is and always has been subject to our corrupting influence. For someone so paranoid about the Devil's influence, you fail to see where he would most want it.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

anonymous -- the Bible is NOT the word of man. God divinely inspired those men that took His word down. The words written were not of their mind, but of His direction. you, like many this day and age, will not and can not accept this, because the Devil has grown strong since the days of yesteryear.

10:28 PM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

anonymous -- the Bible is NOT the word of man. God divinely inspired those men that took His word down. The words written were not of their mind, but of His direction. you, like many this day and age, will not and can not accept this, because the Devil has grown strong since the days of yesteryear.

10:47 PM  
Anonymous DK said...

Of course Jesus walked on water.

He was a fifth level cleric and prepared "Water Walking" that day.

At least I'm pretty sure he was fifth level. It he would have been able to prepare "Remove Disease" and "Create Food and Water" at that level...

Then again he may have needed to be higher level than that. I mean he did Ressurect himself after being dead for 3 days. And that would have required the feat "Contingency Spell" and at least the spell "Raise Dead."

So he must have been at least ninth level...

I could be wrong,
DK

3:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An interesting theory. What domains do ya figure that god would have? The way this guy keeps going on I'd figure Law, Evil, Destruction, and War.

1:57 AM  

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