Jesus DID Walk on Water, Stupid Scientists

I'm both infuriated and amused at this blatant example of science being used to denigrate the Christian faith. Now they expect us to believe that the sea of Galilee froze, thus explaining how Jesus walked on water. Oh yes, they explain, their statistical models and fossils make it possible, and they are much more reliable than the Bible, a.k.a. the WORD OF GOD. We all know how scientists are really just stooges of the Devil and cannot be trusted, so I won't ramble on any longer about it -- for now. But sometimes I like to envision what Jesus might do if he were alive right now and were confronted by scientists like this. Before I share my imagination with you, let me state right now that I realize some of you will complain that Jesus would not be vengeful and would forgive, etc. etc; but this is where you'd be wrong: scientists are not people; they are demons who rose up straight from the bottomless pit to take the form of humans and trick us into believing lies so that we lose our connection to God. So really no punishment would be too harsh, and if Jesus were here he'd destroy them by:

1) turning the sea of Galilee into a sea of molten lava and making the scientists walk over it.
2) tricking the scientists into drinking poisoned wine so that they begin to hallucinate and think they're Jesus, such that they are suddenly inspired to walk on water. Of course, they are hallucinating so what they think is water is really the edge of a really tall cliff.
3) giving them parachutes and flying them up high into the sky, but when he drops them and they try to open the parachutes a pile of fossils and fetuses come out, instead. And Jesus follows them as they fall, laughing.
4) turning them into living fossils, such that they can think and see and hear, but are immobilized. And they live like that for an eternity, watching the world pass them by.
5) dissecting them like a fetal pig, then putting them back together very sloppily, such that they look like Frankenstein and must spend their remaining days on earth as freaks.


Now I know these punishments may not sound horrific enough for some of you, and you are probably right. Jesus is, after all, the son of God and would most likely torture the scientists in much more creative and painful ways. But one can only try...