Monday, April 17, 2006

Fat People are a Sign of the End Times

Yes, we've heard a lot recently about the obesity epidemic. All over the world people are getting fatter and fatter. And this is a symptom of a larger problem -- the Devil's mastery of our basest desires. Appealing to these, he has reached to the glutton in all of us, sucking the soul away of the Christ-less just as they suck on milkshakes and fries. It's not just food, it's sex and violence and freedom. A little bit of each can be a good thing, for we need them to follow the will of God: sex for making more children; violence for keeping our wives in line and converting heathens and heretics to the word of God; and freedom to worship Jesus as God would have us do. The Devil knows this; and using the myriad of tools at his disposal -- the liberal media, witchcraft, activist judges, and fast food restaurants -- he is corrupting our souls with the things we need most to properly honor the Lord God. In heaven, there would be no cravings, no desire to eat, fornicate, fight, or protest than is absolutely necessary; but ever since Eve gave into the Devil and seduced man, we have been confronted by temptation, and now with mass media and fast food restaurants we are bombarded by it. So we crave and crave. Those of us that have truly accepted Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior, though, can fight these cravings; but the weak minded, Jesus-less are helpless to it. Luckily, God is perfect and all-knowing, such that He designed our bodies to alert the faithful to the demonic among them. So when you see a fat person, know that he or she has not given himself/herself to Christ. And notice how we are seeing more and more of the obese -- this is certainly a sign that the antichrist is ready to appear and bring the end times upon us. It may not be too late for the fat, though, so it is imperative that we do what we can to bring them to our side before it is too late. One way is to mandate a diet based on the Bible. Of course there should also be mandatory Bible lessons for everyone, no matter what age (even the faithful need reinforcement). We should also burn fast food restaurants to the ground, as they are obviously tools of the Devil. I've also been marinating on the idea that stomach stapling surgery should be forced upon everyone that is overweight; however, I am reluctant to throw my weight behind the idea, because there's a chance that these people won't come to Christ and, as skinny people, will be able to infiltrate the side of Christ during the tribulation period. On the other hand, having their body drained of the toxins fed them by the Devil may open their mind to the idea that Jesus is the son of God. Plus, if we cure them of obesity while preaching the Bible, the fat may be almost miraculously drawn to Christ. Obviously, experiments could and should be run to test this. At the very least, we faithful must talk to the fat among us and let them know that their weight is a symptom of their acceptance of the Devil. And we also need to ostracize them at the same time. There should be no accommodation for their inability to find a seat on an airplane or fit between bus aisles.


Blogger Gregory said...

Well done. I guess your obese children caused you to do a little online research. The only "End Times" are the end of you and your cabal of morons. Bibles are only useful for toilet paper and even then they chafe a bit.

10:47 PM  
Anonymous Timone said...

*chewing up newspaper* you mean you want us to eat pages out of the Bible? Yum. Ink and paper tastes like chicken.

10:49 PM  
Anonymous Chocolate Lubber said...

As I'm writing into this, I'm biting into a Russell Stover's Strawberry Creme egg. The chocolate and the gooey creme filling are like angels dancing over the tip of my tounge, reminding me of...

Mmm...time to bite into another, and another...and another.

11:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes i agree totally. Fat people are the mess of our society. They must desepear or die ! They are fat and ugly
Shame on them !!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:29 AM  
Blogger Nathaniel said...

anonymous -- you are confused. it has nothing to do with them being ugly, but everything to do with them being evil. Their fatness is a sign of this evil. there are plenty of ugly people in this world who are not evil. aged people are ugly, for example, but not all of them are evil. pregnant women are ugly, but not necessarily evil. they're also fat, but this is balanced by the fact they are doing their duty for God, so even their fatness is not a sign of them being evil. instead, it is symbolic of the sinful nature of women being expunged via childbirth.

also, i do not advocate the killing of sinners. the death penalty is evil, for it is up to God to choose who live or dies. No, what we need to concern ourselves with is punishment and reprogramming. pain and suffering is a good way to accomplish this for extreme cases, fear and humiliation for moderate ones, and mandatory Bible readings for the rest of us.

but i can sense there is hope for you if you truly recognize the problem of obesity...

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You say that pregnant women are ugly? What does that mean?! That is one of the craziest things I have ever heard. Also,, it seems downright cruel to call all aged people ugly. So a pregnant supermodel suddenly becomes ugly does she? Crazy and so not Christian. Unless this whole pathetic article is meant to be a joke.

3:34 PM  

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