Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Spiders Are God's Gift To Parents and Children

Everyone knows most children are terrified of spiders, and those that aren't are most likely going to turn out to be horrific sinners, like murderers and rapists. That is why a harsh but effective punishment for children is to lock them in a closet with at least one spider for 15 minutes to an hour. Truly terrible children can be cast away with lots and lots of spiders, although this should be reserved for the worst offenses. I personally have been covered in spiders for repeatedly disobeying my parents and once for waking up late for church (admittedly my father was in a very bad mood on that day, but we still argue over whether I deserved such harsh treatment for such a rare occurrence), so for the liberals that read this and argue child abuse, I will tell you now you probably deserved to be covered in insects, yourselves, as children, which is why you are so blind to what it takes to raise adolescents to grow up righteous and good, as well as why you've been so easily turned into a slave of Satan. In any event, imagine my horror when I read this -- that fear of spiders can be cured with hormone therapy. Slowly but surely, it seems, the secular, Devil-worshipping cabal that appears to be in charge of our society is eroding the ability of good Christians to raise children to respect the glory of the Lord. Just as the liberal media bombards us with pornography, witchcraft, and homosexuality, thereby making it near-impossible to protect our children from filth, they are now taking away our tools to demand respect and obedience. I can only imagine what will go next, but I certainly envision a future where good Christian parents have had their tongues cut out and their hands and feet lopped off, such that there is no possible way for them to bring up their children in the loving embrace of Christ. I know, I know -- I don't have to give my children these hormone treatments; but don't you think Satan has already thought of that and is currently working with his witches to cast a spell on the powers that be such that they write into the laws the requirement that all children be vaccinated against fear of spiders? That will certainly be a sad day; I will mourn, just as I shall mourn the day there is a vaccine for AIDS (AIDS, of course, is God's punishment for deviants).


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, I'm not afraid of spiders and I would never murder or rape anyone

6:45 PM  

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