Founding Fathers Fathered a Satanic Bible; The Devil Built a Time Machine

I used to think that the Constitution was a great document, but that activist judges guided by the evil hand of Satan had usurped it. Just look at the original intent of the Founding Fathers, I thought, and it would be clear that they meant for this to be a Christian nation, where abortions would be illegal, witches burned at the stake, and homosexuals driven to the bottomless pit of society, stricken with poverty and disease worthy of the worst sinners. But now the liberal media has recently brought to my attention various quotes from people like Jefferson and Adams that make me question my assumptions about the Constitution. For given the quotes mentioned above, the Constitution is not a great document; it is document worthy of the title Satanic Bible, allowing freedom to those who oppose the will of God, to those who sleep with pigs and people of the same sex, to those who murder helpless babies in their mothers' womb. Fortunately, I am not one to be easily fooled by the Devil's trickery, and I realize his ability to manipulate people. That is why I am nearly positive that, as the war against Christianity really began to grip the nation in the last decade, the Devil went back in time and worked his magic on Adams and Jefferson, taking control of their minds to make them say such evil things. Or perhaps he had the Japanese build robots in their perfect likeness and replaced them. It might be hard to prove, but we should at the very least dig up their graves and see if we find robot parts or evidence of magic. Maybe, though, we'd all rather not know, for if it's true that Satan built a time machine, any one of us could be replaced just as Jefferson and Adams were, and that is truly a scary thought.