Keep Austin Weird? NO! Cleanse It, Instead

One of my stops on the book tour brought me to Austin, TX, a place I had often heard described as an oasis within Texas, a description that I now assume has something to do with the fact that the city is incredibly liberal and "independent," while the rest of the state is a haven for good Christians and a righteous way of life. So rather than describe Austin as an oasis, I believe a better description of the city would be a black hole, a black hole of sin that sucks in the light of Jesus Christ coming from the rest of the state and crushes it with the city's obsession with weirdness and independence. Nearly every restaurant and store in the city is "independent" with nary a McDonald's or Starbucks in sight. And each hypnotizes the shopper with extreme colors and quirkiness. While most of the city is proud of these qualities, my righteousness allowed me to see their true nature as abominations. As a country, we should not revel in difference and diversity, but in our sameness -- in our shared righteousness and belief in Jesus Christ and the great national chains they have spawned. Such extreme focus on being different, on being unique, is certainly the product of corruption by the Devil, which explains why Austin is so accepting of homosexuality, of whoring, of the spread of the liberal agenda, in general. So rather than Freebirds or any other of the thousands of local, independent restaurants and chains, the good Christian soldiers of the rest of Texas should fight to spread Chipotle, McDonald's, and Starbucks. Best Buys and Wal-Marts and Barnes and Nobles should be built on every street corner and crush the local competition. Then, as investors and shoppers in these great chains, we should assert our power by demanding they adhere to the teachings of the Bible, refusing to sell the tools of witchcraft, like Harry Potter, and pornography. We can demand that they fire anyone who gets a divorce or has sex before marriage. The Board of Directors and officers in the companies will all be replaced by proven Christians, like Pat Robertson, like any of those capable for spotting evil and calling it out. It would truly be an inspiration and testimony to the power of Christianity and Christians in Texas. I know there are doubters; I know many lack faith that we Christians hold such power. But just look at the overwhelming victory we had on the war on Christmas. Look at how our power persuaded nearly all the nation's companies to avoid sponsoring the Darwin exhibit in NYC. Look at how we made Ford tremble with fear and refuse to advertise in homosexual magazines. Examples are all around us. This should inspire the good Christians of America to unite further and cleanse America of filth. And the perfect place to start is Austin.