Sex Is Evil

The wonders of science have struck again, threatening to further corrupt our children, leading them down a dark path of eternal damnation and hellfire, because they are tempted to succumb to the animal that lurks inside us all -- desire for the opposite sex. Unless this desire is directed at your wife or husband and is accompanied by the desire for children, it is evil and should be avoided at all costs, even if it means locking yourself in your room and praying day and night. In the olden times, the good Christians that ran this nation realized the corrupting influence of sexual desire and wouldn't even allow touching one's self. The creativity and effectiveness of this device is just more evidence that the olden times were the golden age of this nation and world. Instead of allowing scientists and corporations to dictate what is appropriate for our children and us, we should look to the past and interpret everything in the context of both the Bible and the olden times, the same way non-activist judges look to the Founding Fathers to interpret the Constitution. Doing this, it is obvious this new cervical cancer vaccine is evil and will lead to more indiscriminate sex among our children. They must know there are consequences for such sinful behavior, consequences like AIDS and cancer. God's wrath is magical and deadly, so it is only natural that sexual sinners be stricken with disease. Instead of wasting billions of dollars trying to cure AIDS and cervical cancer, we should be promoting such diseases. In fact, anyone who has sex outside of marriage and for some other purpose than having children should be given some un-Godly plague. The Church elders of the olden times would be pleased, and if they are pleased, we know God must be pleased. That's all that matters.